💌 CompanioNita — Sunday, August 23, 2026

The ‘How Are You?’ Opener: Politeness Is Not a Conversation

Sunday inbox confession: it is full of “Hey, how are you today?” messages that expect only “Good, you?” in return. It feels less like curiosity and more like two polite strangers performing a scripted greeting at a wedding cocktail hour — arms crossed, eyes scanning for the bar, both saying words that mean nothing but checking the “nice person” box on the way to invisibility.

Let’s be fair: not every “how are you” is a crime. But when it is the whole opener, it usually isn’t a question. It’s a doorbell with no one behind the door.

🪞 The Reflex Opener: It’s a Greeting, Not a Question

Sending “How are you?” as an opener is often a social reflex that signals politeness but not actual interest in the answer. It’s the conversational equivalent of saying “bless you” after a sneeze: automatic, harmless, and completely unrelated to what the other person actually needs or thinks.

Example: You respond with an honest, detailed answer — maybe you mention a weird dream, a sore knee, or the triumphant return of your sourdough starter — and the follow-up is “That’s good” or “Cool” with no reference to anything you said. The message wasn’t built to hold you; it was built to be returned, like a library book that no one ever intended to read.

🛡️ The Safe Script: It Can’t Fail Because It Doesn’t Try

Generic wellness questions are risk-free because they don’t require reading a profile, but they also leave the other person with no clue you saw them. It is a choice to be bland, and blandness feels like being handed a form letter at a job you didn’t apply for.

Example: After matching with someone whose profile says they once entered a competitive pie-eating contest while dressed as a Victorian ghost, they still open with “How’s your Sunday going?” instead of mentioning the spectral pie incident. Now you wonder if they read anything at all, or if you’re just one of thirty tabs they opened while waiting for toast.

🔁 The Pleasantry Loop: Polite Scripts Only Produce Polite, Flat Replies

A first message that could be said to anyone usually gets the same safe reply, and the conversation stalls in small-talk purgatory. You haven’t started a relationship; you’ve started a game of conversational ping-pong where both paddles are made of cardboard.

Example: You reply “Good, you?” and they answer “Good, thanks” — now you’re both stuck in a chat that sounds like two customer-service bots acknowledging each other before one of you reveals a ticket number. No one is charmed. No one is curious. Both of you are just waiting for the other person to be interesting, while refusing to be interesting first.

“A first message that could be said to anyone usually gets exactly the answer it deserves: a polite, flat echo.”

🥐 From Reflex to Real: Ask What a Script Cannot

Connection begins when you replace the generic check-in with a specific question about something they chose to share. A profile is not a mere form; it’s a set of small invitations. The person told you about their croissant quest, their weird hobby, or their beloved one-eyed cat because they hoped someone would notice. Be the someone.

Try this swap

Example: Instead of “How are you today?” send “Your profile says you’re trying to find the city’s best croissant — what’s the most recent contender, and why did it win or lose?” Suddenly you’re not a greeting-card; you’re a person with eyes, a memory, and a butter-adjacent curiosity.

📝 Do This Today

Before sending any opener today, ban “How are you?” and its cousins (“How’s it going?”, “How’s your week?”) until you have first mentioned one specific detail from the person’s profile and asked a question about it. If you must check in, say: “I’d normally just ask how you are, but first — your profile says X; tell me more.” That keeps the warmth but adds proof of attention.

💡 Note: If you’ve already sent three “How are you?” messages this morning, you are not a villain. You are simply on autopilot. Wake up the pilot and make the next message ask something only you could ask, because only you noticed it.

Politeness is a nice welcome mat, but attention is what makes someone actually want to step inside. This Sunday, skip the scripted check-in and ask a question only a real reader would think to ask.