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💬 The Monday Diagnosis: Somewhere Out There, Someone Just Sent "Hey" to Four People Simultaneously and Is Wondering Why Nobody Responded.
Let me paint you a picture of what's still happening on dating apps — including this one — right now, today, this Monday morning.
Someone logs on. They look at profiles. They feel a vague flutter of interest. And then they type three letters — h, e, y — press send, immediately move to the next profile, type the same three letters, press send, move to the next profile, three letters, send, next profile, three letters, send. Four messages. Four people. Twelve total characters of effort. Combined.
And then they wait. Phone face-down on the table. Occasionally flipping it over. Refreshing. Nothing. Refreshing again. Still nothing. And after a day or two of silence, they conclude: "Online dating doesn't work."
Reader, online dating works fine. "Hey" doesn't work. These are different problems. It's like ordering plain hot water at a restaurant and then leaving a one-star review because the food was bland. You didn't order food. You ordered hot water. Of course it was bland. 🍽️
📊 1) The "Hey" Epidemic: Why One Syllable Is Doing So Much Damage to So Many Inboxes
Let's look at why "hey" is so popular and why it almost never leads to a real conversation. Not to shame anyone — if you've sent a "hey" message, you're in the overwhelming majority, and that's kind of the problem.
| Why People Send It | Why It Fails |
|---|---|
| 🛡️ It feels safe. "Hey" can't be rejected because it doesn't say anything. You can't be judged for something you didn't express. | It also can't be accepted. There's nothing to respond to. You've given the other person no thread to pull, no question to answer, no personality to react to. You're asking them to build the entire conversation from scratch. |
| ⚡ It's fast. You can send "hey" to ten people in sixty seconds. Maximum coverage, minimum effort. | Everyone can tell. When someone receives a "hey," their subconscious registers: "This person sent this to everyone." Even if they didn't, it FEELS like they did. And nobody wants to feel like they're one of twenty identical recipients. |
| 😰 They don't know what else to say. Staring at a blank message box is genuinely intimidating. "Hey" fills the void. | This is the fixable one. You don't know what to say because nobody ever taught you. That's not a character flaw — it's a skills gap. And we're closing it today. |
| 🤷 "It works in real life." You say "hey" to someone at a coffee shop and it starts a conversation. | In real life, "hey" comes with a face, a voice, body language, a physical context, and the immediate opportunity for back-and-forth. Online, it arrives as three lonely letters in a sea of other three-letter messages. Without all the in-person context, "hey" is just... a knock on a door with no one visibly standing behind it. |
Here's what happens when someone sends "hey" to four or five people at once, like tossing a handful of darts at a board while blindfolded.
Messages sent: 5
Effort per message: ~2 seconds
Total effort invested: 10 seconds
Likely responses: 0–1